on self esteem and not letting a boy ruin it for me

my first kiss was a boy i knew from high school
who kissed me and said nice things
but really wanted to fuck my best friend
when he kissed her, he told her i was 
“cute enough” and he could tell it was my first time
(probably because i told him it was,
but it still hurt.)

i didn’t care about him. he wasn’t
even good – not even mildly. but
i wanted to kiss somebody and he was there
and he was willing 
because i was “cute enough.”

there’s a boy here who i met last week.
the second day we were at rehearsal for the play
we’re both in, we talked about tv shows
i told him one of the actors is my same mix
he said: “makes sense, since you’re both
beautiful.” i didn’t know what to say; i think
i just smiled a little. “i mean, you’re literally

Perfect Looking” he continued.
he told me he has a crush on someone else, so.

i’m inclined to believe that’s really
what he thinks. 

this weekend we did some cast bonding 
and the second he walked in the door: “sam –
you’re perfect” as a greeting. as a greeting!

if i had only waited another month
before i decided to give my first kiss away
to someone who neither appreciated 
nor deserved it, 
i wouldn’t have felt like i was only 

passably attractive,

satisfactory,

cute enough.

i could have felt
perfect.